Posted in Life

My Medicine Conundrum

I suffer from anxiety and depression due to my boderline personality disorder. For about 10 years, I tried to deal with it without any help and I didn’t do it well. Actually, I’ve been depressed/suicidal since I turned 12. I started having anxiety problems when I turned 22, as it had been 10 years, and I felt like everyone could see it.

I hated the idea of taking medicine for it. I, in general, like who I am because of my depression and anxiety. People I meet mean that much more to me, because of the hurdles I had to jump to meet them. I don’t mind sacrificing my time and social life to help others because what are the chances that the depressed side of my brain will let me live long enough to grow old? Life is short and I want to do some good while the depressed side of my brain is hiding.

So I was whining to my therapist about my anxiety problems, and how I hate feeling like I’m going to be sick every time I go hang out with someone. He mentioned that I could just take a pill every time, and I would never have to feel that way again. I have to admit that it sounds appealing.

I could do the same for my depression, though, and that is really appealing. No more sporadically crying for no reason. No more just not understanding myself. No more deep lows. No more BF worried about me.

As I’ve said before though, my lows and anxiety are part of me. I could take these pills and be maybe a brighter me than me, but the lows are me too.

I’ve determined that meds are for everyone else around me, which is a good reason to take them. I’m willing to deal and learn about my feelings. So how does one answer the question: Do I love others more than me?

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